Hey friends.. or anyone who is taking the time to read this! I’ve been wanting to document my postpartum experience for quite some time now, but until recently I didn’t feel like I was really out of it (and I’m still not sure?). The reason I feel that it’s important to write this down is for a few reasons. One, I don’t want to forget this! Even the hard parts. I think it’s just a good reminder of how far I have come :). Two, I want to remember it so I can remind myself how important it is to show up for others when they are experiencing anything related to this motherhood journey- whether it be trying to conceive, yearning to be a mother one day, experiencing loss 🙏, navigating the new months of being a parent or ANYTHING related .. this can be a very painful topic for so many and can also feel very isolating.. and I don’t want anyone to feel like they are alone bc you aren’t. 💜
The third reason I want to document this is because I have major plans for how I can support women through all of this in the near future. I never realized the importance of being cared for (especially being nurtured with nourishing meals that are made by someone else) during these times, until I experienced it myself. Those who brought us meals I will never forget the comfort it brought. I wish I would have showed up more for my friends who went through this before me, but I didn’t know how much they needed it until now. I repeatedly said on the hardest days how I HAVE to take my business down this path one day because it just feels right .. and one day soon I will 😉.
I won’t make this a long drawn out post because nobody has time to read all of that these days.. but I do want to share my experience in the first months of motherhood. I know we are extremely lucky that we were able to conceive at my age (or any age really), and esp to have a beautiful healthy baby boy. I couldn’t be more in love or more grateful for this sweet little soul!
He’s incredible. The last few months of pregnancy didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped. I talked about the vertigo I was having in my labor post. It really hit me pretty hard mentally, I think that contributed a bit to my experience postpartum.
In the hospital right after Kieran arrived is when it started. The emergency c-section along with still having the vertigo symptoms physically were quite a challenge.. but mentally even more. I know breastfeeding is such a hard topic for soooooo many. It really threw me for a huge loop. I expected it would be challenging but nothing like what it became. I’m hesitant to really get into it and I don’t think I will because it was so personal and I’m still working through it, but I will just say that it really made me feel like I was failing as a new mother. There is sooo much pressure as a new mom to breastfeed and I wanted nothing more than to give Kieran all those nutrients I worked so hard on lol, but it hasn’t come easy.. at all. I will say that I have given it so much of me and I’m proud of myself for all of it, even if it’s not what I expected. But this experience taught me that not everything in motherhood (or parenthood) will go as you have planned.
During the time I was learning how to breastfeed I was also parenting on my own half of the time, all day and all night. We don’t have family here so I just felt like I was completely on my own most of the time (except for those amazing friends who helped us 🥹), and it was a bit shocking for me. Months of sleep deprivation, still dealing with the dizziness of vertigo, healing from major surgery, caring for a new life and trying to do everything right.. I truly felt depleted mentally.. and physically. It was a really emotional time. I had times during the days where I was hallucinating, seeing things. I know this is common with sleep deprivation.. but it scared me a bit. I’ve also never been an anxious person which I’m so thankful for, but I felt extremely anxious during the first few months. Very low moments. I also had a tension headache every day all day. I think it was from the hormones? Im not sure… I wish this was talked about this more.
I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right, everything I had expected or planned wasn’t happening for me and I didn’t feel like I could “fix” things like I usually do. I remember my husband trying to understand postpartum hormones so I would send him articles and random reels on it.. I can imagine for him it was tough to see his usually happy partner crumbling apart. The hormone fluctuations postpartum were such a wild ride. That on top of feeling like I was failing and all the pressure and shame- it felt very overwhelming. I’ve learned that I will never ever judge a new mom for her choices. Why should we? I think it’s so important to support each other on this journey and let go of expectations for one another. Everyone is truly trying their best, and we need each other. 🙏 I’m not trying to sound dramatic or scare anyone. I think my experience was actually pretty minor compared to some, but I also know some don’t experience the postpartum hormones at all so please don’t let that get to you. 💜
The months have passed, Kieran is almost five months old! He’s such a blessing to our lives! One day I realized the headaches one gone, and another day I noticed I didn’t have the vertigo anymore. What a blessing. I’m still navigating motherhood, every day is soo so different with new challenges but also so much good. Sleep is getting better, we have more of a routine which helps but I also just think over time you adjust more. :) You learn how to let go and take the little wins as big wins. I’ve learned that it’s all going to be okay, he’s healthy and growing and for that, we’re just really so lucky. 🌞 If anyone reading this is experiencing any struggles related to infertility or motherhood or anything of this sort.. I’m sending you so much love. And thank you for reading this if you made it this far. 😘 I can’t wait to support women on this journey one day. Thank you friends.